As I search out recipes that are gluten free; I am often struck by the fact that I am changing an entire recipe to accomodate the lack of gluten. But I am not using common sense when following them. For some reason, I was following these recipes like the gospel; and they weren't turning out all that good. I was not using my own common sense -- or my own natural cooking abilities. I rarely follow recipes closely -- I consider them merely guidelines. So it was interesting to me to realize I was following gluten free recipes like the gospel.
For example, I was making this punch. Now, it was never in danger of having gluten in it, but I had prepared a gluten free red velvet cake beforehand, and this required like 8 different types of flour; and as I stirred it I thought, this is going to be dry. (And it was. Dense as all get out, but the flavor was decent. It was totally edible, but if I ever made it again, I would figure out a way for it to be less dense. Just more moisture overall.) So I was making this punch and it asked for agave or honey to be mixed in with the ginger, and I thought, this seems like a lot. Agave is sweet and I don't really love things to be overly sweet. But instead of using my common sense, I followed the recipe to the letter. Of course it was too sweet, so I ended up having to doctor it. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble had I just followed my gut.
So Maddie asked for chicken pot pie over the holiday, and so I instantly went to the 9.8 million blogs that are devoted to gluten free recipes in search of the perfect chicken pot pie one. Now, the thing is, I have perfected that recipe. I have taken several and combined them to make what I think is the most scrumptious one of all. My family concurs. So why am I searching for a new one? Let's apply a little common sense here: The gluten culprit is in the crust. So, either make a pie crust that is gluten free, or eliminate it altogether. But why change the core of the recipe? It's just weird ... like I've entered some new zone where all my old recipes don't apply. But that is ridiculous.
We went to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch today and after my salad we decided to order one piece of cheesecake to share. We decided on the carrot cake cheesecake, and once it arrived, I was like, oh, I can't eat that! Not sure why it never occurred to me that carrot cake would have flour in it -- I guess I was more caught up in the fact that cheesecake would be safe. (I know the crust wouldn't be, but that is easy to avoid.) Oh well. No cheesecake for me. Which is fine. I'd rather have chocolate over cheesecake any day!
So I am going to stop believing that everyone else knows better than I do how to prepare gluten free food. I just find it so interesting that for a brief stint there, I truly believed I didn't have the power!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Give me the fries!
I really don't want to make a big deal out of it. I don't want to be "that" person who has to go into intricate detail about her eating "issues." I just don't. In my mind, the least amount of attention that can be called to what I have truly realized is just the way I will be eating from now on ... seems ... more than I want to address.
That hasn't always been the case. I have stumbled upon a certain diet of one extreme or another and expounded upon its wonders. This is entirely different. I am excited about it; because I know that it works and I know that ultimately we all need to get that crappy wheat out of our systems. But then again, I know no one listens to anyone, so ... why bother?
But last night at a restaurant I realized that some are truly trying to address this issue. The waittress was all over trying to accommodate me; and at first I fought it. I mean, it's really not that difficult to navigate a menu and find something without wheat in it. A salad will fit the bill. But last night I was HUNGRY! Like, hadn't eaten all day hungry and I wanted FOOD. I didn't want a salad. I wanted ... a turkey burger. So I ordered it without a roll. And the waitress picked up on that and asked why. And I said I didn't eat wheat. And she said oh, we have gluten free options, in fact we have a gluten free menu.
Oh! Okay, the secret gluten free menu! I really don't need one -- I can decipher what I can eat from the main menu; but she said that they had gluten free rolls. Hmmmm. Now, ultimately I don't want to eat them, because even though they don't hit me like wheat does; they are still bread products (or flour) and they still sort of land in your stomach like a ton of bricks and sit there. Try and get flour off of your counter with a sponge. Not a pretty picture. So I tend to think, hmmm, do I really want that in my system? But last night, oh yes, I did! I wanted a turkey burger. And fries.
Yes, I wanted french fries! I can't tell you the last time I enjoyed a meal like that. The turkey burger was heavenly, the roll, while a little dry, was absolutely edible, and those french fries, why mama mia! I was in heaven. H E A V E N.
What I find so interesting about this whole new change in my eating habits is that it really doesn't bother me. I made a gluten free red velvet cake the other night, and I had Charlie make a flour coconut cake (in the event that the other one was too dry and inedible for my gluten eating guests to eat). I had no desire to try the wheat cake. None at all. In fact, I didn't even much care if I ate the red velvet cake. I just have no cravings for that stuff any more. At all. I never crave baked goods, or bread, or anything, really. I do get hungry, and I do get to the point of wanting something other than a salad. But that diehard craving for BREAD is over. O V E R.
And I love it!
Now, I was so full after my turkey burger and french fries ... I thought I was going to explode. That is a lot to eat for me now, and I truly was shocked that I didn't have to physically stop at half a burger. But I think if you are enjoying something that much, you have to go with it. I didn't eat today until close to noon, and then I had a smoothie and then a little later some chicken chow mein. But once I rode my bike, WHAMMO, I had an appetite I couldn't seem to curb. I was RAVENOUS. It amazes me how that hard, gnawing hunger will creep up on me. I woke up this morning with no appetite; I went through most of the day with none, then all of a sudden, I could have eaten my desk. But I do try to wait until I actually have hunger pains. I think it keeps me honest!
Peter and I went out to eat and I had salmon, squash and a baked potato. It was all utterly delicious. The waittress brought the standard popovers to our table, and we told her we were all set. She later returned and asked if she could bring something else (I forgot what it was, some other bread product) and I told her that I didn't eat wheat. That seemed to throw her a little ... and was a completely different experience from last night, where the waittress bent over backwards to cater to my non wheat eating needs. But either way, I don't really care. I fully understand that once I leave my home, I am introducing my body to less than stellar food and I am just okay with that now. I used to think it was the "bad" food that caused my stomach issues. But now I know that isn't true. There is always bread (wheat) at a restaurant, and I always ate it. Hence ... I had issues. But now, no more.
It's all good. And I have resigned myself to the fact that it is unlikely that I will lose weight through the holidays. As I ate the red velvet cake (which I would have been fine not eating, in truth) and as I have gone out to dinner two nights in a row, I get that there will be times that other things will get in the way. And that is fine. It's not the end of the world; it is just life. And there is no point in living half assed. Eat turkey burgers and fries when you want to. Why the hell not!!!
That hasn't always been the case. I have stumbled upon a certain diet of one extreme or another and expounded upon its wonders. This is entirely different. I am excited about it; because I know that it works and I know that ultimately we all need to get that crappy wheat out of our systems. But then again, I know no one listens to anyone, so ... why bother?
But last night at a restaurant I realized that some are truly trying to address this issue. The waittress was all over trying to accommodate me; and at first I fought it. I mean, it's really not that difficult to navigate a menu and find something without wheat in it. A salad will fit the bill. But last night I was HUNGRY! Like, hadn't eaten all day hungry and I wanted FOOD. I didn't want a salad. I wanted ... a turkey burger. So I ordered it without a roll. And the waitress picked up on that and asked why. And I said I didn't eat wheat. And she said oh, we have gluten free options, in fact we have a gluten free menu.
Oh! Okay, the secret gluten free menu! I really don't need one -- I can decipher what I can eat from the main menu; but she said that they had gluten free rolls. Hmmmm. Now, ultimately I don't want to eat them, because even though they don't hit me like wheat does; they are still bread products (or flour) and they still sort of land in your stomach like a ton of bricks and sit there. Try and get flour off of your counter with a sponge. Not a pretty picture. So I tend to think, hmmm, do I really want that in my system? But last night, oh yes, I did! I wanted a turkey burger. And fries.
Yes, I wanted french fries! I can't tell you the last time I enjoyed a meal like that. The turkey burger was heavenly, the roll, while a little dry, was absolutely edible, and those french fries, why mama mia! I was in heaven. H E A V E N.
What I find so interesting about this whole new change in my eating habits is that it really doesn't bother me. I made a gluten free red velvet cake the other night, and I had Charlie make a flour coconut cake (in the event that the other one was too dry and inedible for my gluten eating guests to eat). I had no desire to try the wheat cake. None at all. In fact, I didn't even much care if I ate the red velvet cake. I just have no cravings for that stuff any more. At all. I never crave baked goods, or bread, or anything, really. I do get hungry, and I do get to the point of wanting something other than a salad. But that diehard craving for BREAD is over. O V E R.
And I love it!
Now, I was so full after my turkey burger and french fries ... I thought I was going to explode. That is a lot to eat for me now, and I truly was shocked that I didn't have to physically stop at half a burger. But I think if you are enjoying something that much, you have to go with it. I didn't eat today until close to noon, and then I had a smoothie and then a little later some chicken chow mein. But once I rode my bike, WHAMMO, I had an appetite I couldn't seem to curb. I was RAVENOUS. It amazes me how that hard, gnawing hunger will creep up on me. I woke up this morning with no appetite; I went through most of the day with none, then all of a sudden, I could have eaten my desk. But I do try to wait until I actually have hunger pains. I think it keeps me honest!
Peter and I went out to eat and I had salmon, squash and a baked potato. It was all utterly delicious. The waittress brought the standard popovers to our table, and we told her we were all set. She later returned and asked if she could bring something else (I forgot what it was, some other bread product) and I told her that I didn't eat wheat. That seemed to throw her a little ... and was a completely different experience from last night, where the waittress bent over backwards to cater to my non wheat eating needs. But either way, I don't really care. I fully understand that once I leave my home, I am introducing my body to less than stellar food and I am just okay with that now. I used to think it was the "bad" food that caused my stomach issues. But now I know that isn't true. There is always bread (wheat) at a restaurant, and I always ate it. Hence ... I had issues. But now, no more.
It's all good. And I have resigned myself to the fact that it is unlikely that I will lose weight through the holidays. As I ate the red velvet cake (which I would have been fine not eating, in truth) and as I have gone out to dinner two nights in a row, I get that there will be times that other things will get in the way. And that is fine. It's not the end of the world; it is just life. And there is no point in living half assed. Eat turkey burgers and fries when you want to. Why the hell not!!!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Rings and jeans
My wedding rings fit!!!! Last summer my sister asked me if I had trouble getting them off, and so I tried. I actually thought I was going to have to have them cut off -- it was gnarly -- they would NOT go over my knuckle. Eventually, after a lot of painful twisting and pulling, I got them off. I wasn't going to put them back on, that was for sure. So over the summer I bought a ring to stand in -- a very pretty band. But lately the band hasn't been fitting very well, kind of slipping around, and because of all the movement, it was chafing and I actually had a little rash underneath. So I took it off.
This morning as I was feeling naked with no ring on my finger, (and I had gone down even more poundwise on the scale) I thought to myself ... hmmm....I might have lost weight in my hands! So I tried on my wedding rings, and sure enough, they slid right on ... and more importantly, off too!
That is kind of funny because I was just saying recently that I missed them -- I have always loved my diamond, and so I said maybe for Christmas I should get my rings re-sized. But even better, I am re-sizing myself! Cheaper!
And you know when you put your jeans on fresh from the dryer and they are always tight?
Mine weren't!!!!
This morning as I was feeling naked with no ring on my finger, (and I had gone down even more poundwise on the scale) I thought to myself ... hmmm....I might have lost weight in my hands! So I tried on my wedding rings, and sure enough, they slid right on ... and more importantly, off too!
That is kind of funny because I was just saying recently that I missed them -- I have always loved my diamond, and so I said maybe for Christmas I should get my rings re-sized. But even better, I am re-sizing myself! Cheaper!
And you know when you put your jeans on fresh from the dryer and they are always tight?
Mine weren't!!!!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Yummy yummy yummy chips!
My greatest downfall? Potato chips. I love, love, love them. Always have. I can recall when I was a kid, Margaret and I would ride our bikes down to Wilson's Triangle, a little store, and she would always say, let's go get candy. But I didn't want candy. In fact, I wouldn't go until she promised that we would get two "bags of something." I loved chips, and yet, I loved another bag of something else to spice it up. Like pretzels, or corn curls, or Cheetos. Then we would ride our bikes back and go into the field or woods, and enjoy our bags of something! I almost always bought sour cream and onion chips in a green bag. A big bag. We'd share and then I'd take the rest home and enjoy them later. I love chips.
I like candy and chocolate well enough, don't get me wrong. But potato chips are just a taste sensation I can't live without.
Today I was hungry. I didn't crave anything, but I have eaten light the past few days and been busy, and I was getting a headache because there was no food in the house. I needed food, and I knew that I couldn't go shopping until I ate something first, because I felt that tired from it. I made some scrambled eggs with pepper, onions, spinach and cheese, and it was delicious. But it didn't hold me long, because while I was at the grocery store, I could hear my stomach rumbling. Uh oh. You should never go shopping hungry!
I didn't go down any middle aisles, so I wasn't tempted, but I had to get popcorn to string cranberry and popcorn for the Christmas tree. And what was right across from the popcorn? POTATO CHIPS. So many kinds, so little time. I was lost. I was too hungry, too worn down to walk by. So I decided to turn the tables and say it was a treat. Instead of sneaking chips out of Peter's cooler, I would own it. I would buy a bag and I would take it home and open it up and eat from it, out in the open.
So I did. I also employed another small trick I have been doing: I cut up a bunch of carrots and give myself a small bowl of those, and a small bowl of chips, and then some dip. I had a homemade salad dressing for that, which is yummy, and I was in heaven ... sheer and total .... as I dipped a carrot, then a yummy, salty, crunchy chip into the dip. I actually got full from it. I didn't go nuts. I went slowly, made sure I finished all the carrots first. I can hear my stomach doing a little rumbling, but it has been kind of wonky all day. Nothing major, just loose stools and I am so unaccustomed to that as of late, I wondered what that was caused by. I did have a gluten free waffle for breakfast, and that seemed to start things off on a wrong foot. AND I had coffee. For some reason, on these bleak, gray mornings, the thought of a cup of coffee (decaf of course) has really helped get me out of bed. But let's face it, decaf or not, coffee wreaks havoc on my system.
I followed it up with a smoothie, but I should have skipped the coffee and waffles and just had that. Oh well. Today was just a hungry day. I find that you can only go so many days not eating all that much, and then you get slammed with a belly saying HEY you, listen up, either feed me or I'm going to shut down and go into no metabolism mode. I am well aware of this ... so I try to eat enough to keep this from happening. But some days I really am just not that hungry. So I guess on hungry days, I should eat! And if that means potato chips, then so be it. Made me quite happy .... and I suspect that from all the sweating I do on the exercise bike, my body craves salt for a reason.
The fridge has a few options now, so the next few days should be easier. When there is nothing to eat, I always want to eat bread. Old habit.
I like candy and chocolate well enough, don't get me wrong. But potato chips are just a taste sensation I can't live without.
Today I was hungry. I didn't crave anything, but I have eaten light the past few days and been busy, and I was getting a headache because there was no food in the house. I needed food, and I knew that I couldn't go shopping until I ate something first, because I felt that tired from it. I made some scrambled eggs with pepper, onions, spinach and cheese, and it was delicious. But it didn't hold me long, because while I was at the grocery store, I could hear my stomach rumbling. Uh oh. You should never go shopping hungry!
I didn't go down any middle aisles, so I wasn't tempted, but I had to get popcorn to string cranberry and popcorn for the Christmas tree. And what was right across from the popcorn? POTATO CHIPS. So many kinds, so little time. I was lost. I was too hungry, too worn down to walk by. So I decided to turn the tables and say it was a treat. Instead of sneaking chips out of Peter's cooler, I would own it. I would buy a bag and I would take it home and open it up and eat from it, out in the open.
So I did. I also employed another small trick I have been doing: I cut up a bunch of carrots and give myself a small bowl of those, and a small bowl of chips, and then some dip. I had a homemade salad dressing for that, which is yummy, and I was in heaven ... sheer and total .... as I dipped a carrot, then a yummy, salty, crunchy chip into the dip. I actually got full from it. I didn't go nuts. I went slowly, made sure I finished all the carrots first. I can hear my stomach doing a little rumbling, but it has been kind of wonky all day. Nothing major, just loose stools and I am so unaccustomed to that as of late, I wondered what that was caused by. I did have a gluten free waffle for breakfast, and that seemed to start things off on a wrong foot. AND I had coffee. For some reason, on these bleak, gray mornings, the thought of a cup of coffee (decaf of course) has really helped get me out of bed. But let's face it, decaf or not, coffee wreaks havoc on my system.
I followed it up with a smoothie, but I should have skipped the coffee and waffles and just had that. Oh well. Today was just a hungry day. I find that you can only go so many days not eating all that much, and then you get slammed with a belly saying HEY you, listen up, either feed me or I'm going to shut down and go into no metabolism mode. I am well aware of this ... so I try to eat enough to keep this from happening. But some days I really am just not that hungry. So I guess on hungry days, I should eat! And if that means potato chips, then so be it. Made me quite happy .... and I suspect that from all the sweating I do on the exercise bike, my body craves salt for a reason.
The fridge has a few options now, so the next few days should be easier. When there is nothing to eat, I always want to eat bread. Old habit.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Grinning for real!
After I weighed myself this morning (I know, I know, it's impossible not to!) I had lost two more pounds and I was literally GRINNING in the mirror. Such a good feeling, it really is. There are of course the demons, flirting about, trying to remind me that I am still the HEAVIEST I have ever been, and that sure, I've lost ten pounds, but it will find me, because it always does. And I have to say oh no, that isn't the case, this is different. This is real. This is IT!
Because it is. It just is. I know it in my bones. My shrinking bones! Well, bones don't shrink, but everything around them is. I am actually glad that I bought the bigger pants, because now they are ridiculously loose, but it feels good! It feels good to wear something that was tight once before and feel it hang. Well okay, I am not in danger of anything falling off of me -- but it's all perspective!
I was just looking at a picture of when I was about 120 pounds. I am another person more than that, more or less, and that just seems mind boggling. I can recall feeling that thin, and what did I do? I crammed myself into the smallest clothes I possibly could! I don't see myself ever doing that again. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes from now on. I would love to wear skirts and fun shirts again. Or, I can't wait to wear fun skirts and fun shirts! Soon!
In the meanwhile I have been so full of energy that is is almost ridiculous. Yesterday, after a weekend of painting the kitchen, I cleaned out all the drawers and rearranged them and then cleaned, polished and shined all of the stainless steel appliances, including the behemoth stove, and the refrigerator.
Today I tackled the living room, rearranging the furniture so that the ginormous Christmas tree will fit. But, as I was looking out the windows, I noticed they were dirty. So I spent the next several hours cleaning the windows, inside and out. A ladder was required! I had read online that you should use a solution of water, vinegar and cornstarch and then wipe them down with newspaper. Wow, pretty darn shiny.
Then I finished the living room and then, because I hadn't eaten much all day (a smoothie for breakfast, and after an hour on the exercise bike I had two Udi's with almond butter for sustenance.) But it wasn't enough and by mid-afternoon I crashed. I had some cheese and rice crackers, but that still wasn't enough, but I didn't have the will to deal! So I took a shower and curled up in bed.
So does this sound like I didn't have energy? Oh no, I was buzzing around nonstop for HOURS. I just overdid it, as I am known to do, and the lack of protein was killing me. I ended up having a salad that they picked up for me when they got pizza -- not full of much of anything nutritious, but it was food!
I have also noticed I have no more cravings for eggs and meat, which I most certainly did at the beginning. In fact, I am kind of not sure I want meat any more ... it is kind of creeping me out. I know this has happened to me before ... suddenly it just loses its appeal, but damn, it sure is easy to eat some meat and veggies and call it a meal. I had a half of a small breast of chicken last night, with half a potato and some veggies. I sort of just ate the meat, I didn't enjoy it. That doesn't make much sense!
I am craving fruit right now, but there isn't a stitch of it in the house. Oh wait, I think I have some tangerines. I lost my will to live today; therefore rendering it impossible to go out food gathering!
Tomorrow is another day!!
Because it is. It just is. I know it in my bones. My shrinking bones! Well, bones don't shrink, but everything around them is. I am actually glad that I bought the bigger pants, because now they are ridiculously loose, but it feels good! It feels good to wear something that was tight once before and feel it hang. Well okay, I am not in danger of anything falling off of me -- but it's all perspective!
I was just looking at a picture of when I was about 120 pounds. I am another person more than that, more or less, and that just seems mind boggling. I can recall feeling that thin, and what did I do? I crammed myself into the smallest clothes I possibly could! I don't see myself ever doing that again. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes from now on. I would love to wear skirts and fun shirts again. Or, I can't wait to wear fun skirts and fun shirts! Soon!
In the meanwhile I have been so full of energy that is is almost ridiculous. Yesterday, after a weekend of painting the kitchen, I cleaned out all the drawers and rearranged them and then cleaned, polished and shined all of the stainless steel appliances, including the behemoth stove, and the refrigerator.
Today I tackled the living room, rearranging the furniture so that the ginormous Christmas tree will fit. But, as I was looking out the windows, I noticed they were dirty. So I spent the next several hours cleaning the windows, inside and out. A ladder was required! I had read online that you should use a solution of water, vinegar and cornstarch and then wipe them down with newspaper. Wow, pretty darn shiny.
Then I finished the living room and then, because I hadn't eaten much all day (a smoothie for breakfast, and after an hour on the exercise bike I had two Udi's with almond butter for sustenance.) But it wasn't enough and by mid-afternoon I crashed. I had some cheese and rice crackers, but that still wasn't enough, but I didn't have the will to deal! So I took a shower and curled up in bed.
So does this sound like I didn't have energy? Oh no, I was buzzing around nonstop for HOURS. I just overdid it, as I am known to do, and the lack of protein was killing me. I ended up having a salad that they picked up for me when they got pizza -- not full of much of anything nutritious, but it was food!
I have also noticed I have no more cravings for eggs and meat, which I most certainly did at the beginning. In fact, I am kind of not sure I want meat any more ... it is kind of creeping me out. I know this has happened to me before ... suddenly it just loses its appeal, but damn, it sure is easy to eat some meat and veggies and call it a meal. I had a half of a small breast of chicken last night, with half a potato and some veggies. I sort of just ate the meat, I didn't enjoy it. That doesn't make much sense!
I am craving fruit right now, but there isn't a stitch of it in the house. Oh wait, I think I have some tangerines. I lost my will to live today; therefore rendering it impossible to go out food gathering!
Tomorrow is another day!!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Period or a coma
Yeah, that is what it feels like when you get your period sometimes ... a fricking coma. You lose all will to live and every cell in your body wants to just rot. It's awful.
At first I was like where is my euphoria from experiencing such amazing progress? Then the cramps begin. The bloating. And suddenly, no matter what size you are (and I have been pretty small in my life) you feel fat.
Yes, you feel as though your stomach is huge and no matter how much or little you eat, you feel disgusting, as though you have done so much wrong. What I am trying to say is that a period to someone on a journey of weight loss and transformation is the best way to make you feel like shit. To give up. To turn to (gasp) bread.
This morning I made gluten free waffles. In order to feed the bread demon, I suppose, or more to help the comfort food seeker in me. They were fine, but they don't help you feel any less ICK. I should have had a juice or smoothy, not a couple cups of coffee and two small waffles with butter and syrup. But alas, that is just the way of life and you have to accept that once a month this shitstorm is going to come in and you have to weather it as best as you can.
I have no desire to exercise, I have no desire to do much of anything than complain! My back hurts, my legs ache, my boobs hurt.
Oh well. Yesterday I went to a movie and had some popcorn.
So what.
At first I was like where is my euphoria from experiencing such amazing progress? Then the cramps begin. The bloating. And suddenly, no matter what size you are (and I have been pretty small in my life) you feel fat.
Yes, you feel as though your stomach is huge and no matter how much or little you eat, you feel disgusting, as though you have done so much wrong. What I am trying to say is that a period to someone on a journey of weight loss and transformation is the best way to make you feel like shit. To give up. To turn to (gasp) bread.
This morning I made gluten free waffles. In order to feed the bread demon, I suppose, or more to help the comfort food seeker in me. They were fine, but they don't help you feel any less ICK. I should have had a juice or smoothy, not a couple cups of coffee and two small waffles with butter and syrup. But alas, that is just the way of life and you have to accept that once a month this shitstorm is going to come in and you have to weather it as best as you can.
I have no desire to exercise, I have no desire to do much of anything than complain! My back hurts, my legs ache, my boobs hurt.
Oh well. Yesterday I went to a movie and had some popcorn.
So what.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
A lovely surprise!
I had quite the surprise when I stood on the scale yesterday morning. Now, despite my intentions to stay as far away from the scale as I can, it just calls to me! I was also worried that I had put on weight over the holiday (despite being pretty darn good) but the fact of the matter was I had introduced more bread products than I have been eating in weeks, and I thought that would turn into weight. In fact, I was sure it would. But I had to know. It was almost as though I wanted it to prove to myself that I CAN NOT EAT BREAD of any kind.
I am also on the verge of getting my period, and that also means weight gain as I retain water. I just expected that all of my progress was going to be gone -- and this comes from experience. I have worked hard to lose weight only to have it all jump back on after one small transgression. So I guess I just believed this would be the case and I needed to prove it to myself. (So I could gorge I suppose! Isn't that the pattern?)
But when I climbed on the scale, I hit the lowest number I've seen to date. I had, in fact, lost several pounds. I was shocked. I was overjoyed. I was shocked. I was dumbfounded. In fact, I stood on and got off the scale several times, sure it was wrong! This has never happened before. I ALWAYS gain weight over holidays. No matter what I have done.
The difference? I would eat bread. Wheat. I would eat wheat.
I have lost ten pounds in less than a month. I expect I have lost much more inch-wise as all of my clothes are very loose. These are the clothes that I had to go out and buy because nothing I owned fit and it was depressing me to have to stuff myself into clothes that were too small. When I bought them, they were a little tight, but there was no way I was going to buy the next size up. Now they are all loose!
This is all so encouraging, I just can't express it enough! It is so exciting. And because I am seeing such real progress, it keeps me motivated to stay on the same path. I had mentioned buying all the bread products, and I debated with myself, should I have a turkey burger with a roll? French fries? These are not wheat products, but they also aren't exactly low fat. I decided not, and had some roasted turkey, peas and a baked potato. (I must say, a baked potato once a week as a treat is so comforting! And delicious! And filling!) Last night I had a chicken sandwich with cranberry sauce. Yes, a little bread, but it really helps me psychologically, and the size of this gluten-free Udi's bread is the size of my palm ... just can't be all that harmful.
Tonight is salmon and brussell sprouts and maybe a little rice? I am not hankering for rice, but a few bites always helps with the filling process. I am currently hungry, but I had a smoothie for breakfast and then I rode the exercise bike for an hour. Then I had a big, yummy salad for lunch. I have probably earned more food, but I am the one in control here, not the appetite! So it just has to listen. A handful of nuts will appease the hunger. I am just letting it know who is boss!
Because I am!
I am also on the verge of getting my period, and that also means weight gain as I retain water. I just expected that all of my progress was going to be gone -- and this comes from experience. I have worked hard to lose weight only to have it all jump back on after one small transgression. So I guess I just believed this would be the case and I needed to prove it to myself. (So I could gorge I suppose! Isn't that the pattern?)
But when I climbed on the scale, I hit the lowest number I've seen to date. I had, in fact, lost several pounds. I was shocked. I was overjoyed. I was shocked. I was dumbfounded. In fact, I stood on and got off the scale several times, sure it was wrong! This has never happened before. I ALWAYS gain weight over holidays. No matter what I have done.
The difference? I would eat bread. Wheat. I would eat wheat.
I have lost ten pounds in less than a month. I expect I have lost much more inch-wise as all of my clothes are very loose. These are the clothes that I had to go out and buy because nothing I owned fit and it was depressing me to have to stuff myself into clothes that were too small. When I bought them, they were a little tight, but there was no way I was going to buy the next size up. Now they are all loose!
This is all so encouraging, I just can't express it enough! It is so exciting. And because I am seeing such real progress, it keeps me motivated to stay on the same path. I had mentioned buying all the bread products, and I debated with myself, should I have a turkey burger with a roll? French fries? These are not wheat products, but they also aren't exactly low fat. I decided not, and had some roasted turkey, peas and a baked potato. (I must say, a baked potato once a week as a treat is so comforting! And delicious! And filling!) Last night I had a chicken sandwich with cranberry sauce. Yes, a little bread, but it really helps me psychologically, and the size of this gluten-free Udi's bread is the size of my palm ... just can't be all that harmful.
Tonight is salmon and brussell sprouts and maybe a little rice? I am not hankering for rice, but a few bites always helps with the filling process. I am currently hungry, but I had a smoothie for breakfast and then I rode the exercise bike for an hour. Then I had a big, yummy salad for lunch. I have probably earned more food, but I am the one in control here, not the appetite! So it just has to listen. A handful of nuts will appease the hunger. I am just letting it know who is boss!
Because I am!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Bread you have no power over me!
What is so interesting to me is that many of the blogs on wheat free/gluten free living devote themselves to baked goods. I have found that once you remove the baked goods (read BREAD) and cakes, etc. out of your life, your cravings for them leave as well. But ... when you re-introduce the gluten free substitutes, those cravings return. Certainly not as intense as the original, but still, a craving all the same.
And I am not interested in cravings! I have really enjoyed the past few weeks of not NEEDING to eat, or for that matter, even really wanting to. There have been too many years devoted to my appetite. I am just as happy to forget about it!
Over Thanksgiving I ate more gluten-free bread than I have in a long time, and of course when I discovered that I didn't gain any weight, my first thought was, it is FINE to eat it. I went shopping at Trader Joe's this morning with only a small piece of gluten free bread smeared with almond butter as sustenance, and I was shoving all sorts of gluten-free bread products into my cart. Hello gluten free bagels. Bread. Hamburger rolls. When I got home I remembered that I did away with my bread drawer, and had no place for all of these purchases. So off to the freezer they went -- because ultimately I don't really want to eat them at all. They are too domineering -- they want me too bad and then I want them! It is a toxic relationship, despite what grains are in them or not. I want to be craving foods that are more wholesome and better for me. The bread products are just fillers. I don't want fillers.
I was ravenous on my ride home and kept going through all the scenarios of food I could prepare for lunch. But I said to myself, you need a salad. A nice green big old salad, and it will fill you up, because they are capable of that. So I left all the groceries in their bags and made myself a nice salad with a little cheese and sunflower seeds and chopped up red pepper. That is all I could manage to get in because I was truly starved!
The deal I made with myself as I ate several sandwiches over the holiday, was that I would return to my regularly scheduled programming once Monday hit. So when the siren song of bread filled my ears, I could see, in conjunction with the fact I didn't balloon up and gain a ton, that I was going to head down that path of no return. The bread path. The proof is the fact that I bought a ton of it!
I was there to buy vegetables and meat and fruit. But I was stuck on the bread aisle. I just found it interesting that just a small diversion down the wrong path could put me right back there. True, I wasn't going to eat regular bread. But still. I don't need bread. I don't need it! (I also bought wheat free pasta. Again. why? I don't want to eat any of that filler stuff right now.) Just very, very interesting and a good lesson. OH! And I bought gluten free waffles! I was obsessed! Obsessed, I tell ya!
I just need to get back into my routine and head down the losing path (the weight losing path, that is!) and run as far away from that big bad bread path as I can.
And I am not interested in cravings! I have really enjoyed the past few weeks of not NEEDING to eat, or for that matter, even really wanting to. There have been too many years devoted to my appetite. I am just as happy to forget about it!
Over Thanksgiving I ate more gluten-free bread than I have in a long time, and of course when I discovered that I didn't gain any weight, my first thought was, it is FINE to eat it. I went shopping at Trader Joe's this morning with only a small piece of gluten free bread smeared with almond butter as sustenance, and I was shoving all sorts of gluten-free bread products into my cart. Hello gluten free bagels. Bread. Hamburger rolls. When I got home I remembered that I did away with my bread drawer, and had no place for all of these purchases. So off to the freezer they went -- because ultimately I don't really want to eat them at all. They are too domineering -- they want me too bad and then I want them! It is a toxic relationship, despite what grains are in them or not. I want to be craving foods that are more wholesome and better for me. The bread products are just fillers. I don't want fillers.
I was ravenous on my ride home and kept going through all the scenarios of food I could prepare for lunch. But I said to myself, you need a salad. A nice green big old salad, and it will fill you up, because they are capable of that. So I left all the groceries in their bags and made myself a nice salad with a little cheese and sunflower seeds and chopped up red pepper. That is all I could manage to get in because I was truly starved!
The deal I made with myself as I ate several sandwiches over the holiday, was that I would return to my regularly scheduled programming once Monday hit. So when the siren song of bread filled my ears, I could see, in conjunction with the fact I didn't balloon up and gain a ton, that I was going to head down that path of no return. The bread path. The proof is the fact that I bought a ton of it!
I was there to buy vegetables and meat and fruit. But I was stuck on the bread aisle. I just found it interesting that just a small diversion down the wrong path could put me right back there. True, I wasn't going to eat regular bread. But still. I don't need bread. I don't need it! (I also bought wheat free pasta. Again. why? I don't want to eat any of that filler stuff right now.) Just very, very interesting and a good lesson. OH! And I bought gluten free waffles! I was obsessed! Obsessed, I tell ya!
I just need to get back into my routine and head down the losing path (the weight losing path, that is!) and run as far away from that big bad bread path as I can.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thanksgiving
For a holiday based purely on eating, I think I did fairly well. No, in fact, I think I did a STELLAR job at not gorging myself for the sake of doing so.
I went with a traditional menu and was going to try to do everything wheat free. But when you are preparing for a group of 12, that really isn't always feasible -- especially if you are the only one that really cares. First I put about six loaves of gluten free bread in my cart, only to see that they cost over $5 apiece. That is ridiculous, so I bought a couple of loaves of cheap, white (but full of wheat) bread. My intent was not to eat any.
Okay, so here is the thing. I love stuffing. I love and ADORE stuffing. It is my most favorite food on the Thanksgiving plate. So I put some on. Just a little, teeny, tiny bit. The rest of the plate held a perfectly brined organic turkey, organic sweet potatoes, organic mashed potatoes, organic green beans and I skipped the rolls. Oh, and cranberry sauce, yum! And gravy.
I had most of the stuffing on my plate, mixed with everything, it was all delicious, but I could hear my stomach start gurgling almost immediately. Uh oh.
I actually had to leave the dinner table and hit the bathroom. It is amazing to me that such a small amount of food can have such a violent reaction in such a short amount of time. Needless to say, I did not touch the stuffing again.
The following day we went to a Flatbread pizza restaurant and they said that their wheat was organic and locally grown. There was NOthing else to eat but pizza, and I was hungry. Hmmmmm. I had several pieces of it and wa la ... nothing happened! I guess all wheat is not created equal. And it is good to know that I can eat some form of it with no problem.
We took this crazy walk on Thanksgiving day, after the turkey was in the oven and most everything else was prepared. It was called a brisk walk with spectacular views. It started out going up a steep hill. It continued on on a steep hill. It kept going on a steep hill. We were all huffing and puffing ... and my heavens if it didn't continue on even further UP HILL! Later we clocked it in the car and we walked straight up for 2.5 miles. Wowsers! The entire walk was 4.3 miles, with the latter half being all steeply DOWN hill. My legs still hurt. Some of those muscles haven't been used in a while! But it was certainly a way to start a day based on eating!
I went with a traditional menu and was going to try to do everything wheat free. But when you are preparing for a group of 12, that really isn't always feasible -- especially if you are the only one that really cares. First I put about six loaves of gluten free bread in my cart, only to see that they cost over $5 apiece. That is ridiculous, so I bought a couple of loaves of cheap, white (but full of wheat) bread. My intent was not to eat any.
Okay, so here is the thing. I love stuffing. I love and ADORE stuffing. It is my most favorite food on the Thanksgiving plate. So I put some on. Just a little, teeny, tiny bit. The rest of the plate held a perfectly brined organic turkey, organic sweet potatoes, organic mashed potatoes, organic green beans and I skipped the rolls. Oh, and cranberry sauce, yum! And gravy.
I had most of the stuffing on my plate, mixed with everything, it was all delicious, but I could hear my stomach start gurgling almost immediately. Uh oh.
I actually had to leave the dinner table and hit the bathroom. It is amazing to me that such a small amount of food can have such a violent reaction in such a short amount of time. Needless to say, I did not touch the stuffing again.
The following day we went to a Flatbread pizza restaurant and they said that their wheat was organic and locally grown. There was NOthing else to eat but pizza, and I was hungry. Hmmmmm. I had several pieces of it and wa la ... nothing happened! I guess all wheat is not created equal. And it is good to know that I can eat some form of it with no problem.
We took this crazy walk on Thanksgiving day, after the turkey was in the oven and most everything else was prepared. It was called a brisk walk with spectacular views. It started out going up a steep hill. It continued on on a steep hill. It kept going on a steep hill. We were all huffing and puffing ... and my heavens if it didn't continue on even further UP HILL! Later we clocked it in the car and we walked straight up for 2.5 miles. Wowsers! The entire walk was 4.3 miles, with the latter half being all steeply DOWN hill. My legs still hurt. Some of those muscles haven't been used in a while! But it was certainly a way to start a day based on eating!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Gluten free isn't everything
Today I went to pick up Maddie from college and we stopped for lunch at P.F. Changs. There are gluten free options on the menu, and I chose a ginger chicken with broccoli, a chicken wrap appetizer and some fried rice. They are very good about providing you with gluten free soy sauce as well.
But afterward I felt not so great -- not horrible -- but not as good as I normally feel when eating something like a salad or even something left over that I've made. I mean, even though we know in our heart of hearts that eating out isn't good for us -- it's just so hard to give up.
Last night we went to eat at a local restaurant that serves delicious food. I ordered roasted lemon chicken because I had been craving roasted chicken. OHMYGOD it tasted amazing. This is a fancy restaurant so the portions aren't astronomical -- and it came with green beans and some mashed potatoes. Again, I know those aren't good for me, but a few bites is worth it. YUMMY. I felt satisfied and happy after that meal. But I felt full and a bit bloated after the meal this afternoon.
Choices. It's all about choices. And just because it says gluten free doesn't mean that it's good for you. It's just not as bad for you as something with gluten/wheat is. Not really the same thing.
Friday is my weighing day and I lost a pound since the last time I checked (a week ago). That is good. A solid pound a week is supposed to be a healthy weight loss. It seems like an interminable amount of time, at a pound a week, to get where ever you want to go. But common sense prevails ... while it seemed the weight went on overnight, it didn't. It went on a pound at a time, and that is the same way it will come off. I truly believe staying off the scale on a daily basis is going to be much healthier. I would have sworn that I had lost more than a pound, because I FEEL as though I did. But I am sure it went up and down all week, and yet, all week I was just sure it was falling off me! I do try to keep visualizing that as well.
Bye bye fatty poo!
The one question that people ask me, both my family and friends, is when will this be done. How long am I going to "do this." And my answer is forever! Now that I feel that I have identified the culprit -- the big bad meanie Wheatie -- there is no way I am letting him back in! He can huff and he can puff but he's NOT blowing this house down!
When people ask me how long I am going to be doing this, they are referring to the FACT that this is something that I have been doing for years. And years. I have been doing some odd kind of diet plan, and often around Thanksgiving and Christmas, because that is when you tend to realize the weight has gone on. You spend all summer wearing shorts and t-shirts, and then when you go to put on your pants, you realize that they don't have the elastic waists like the shorts. Uh oh. Well, that of course prompts a realization that SOMETHING needs to be done! Ahhh, I am tired of it. Soon it will be a distant memory though. I will eat to fill myself with good food, but I will not eat to throw myself back into that merry go round of addiction and craving. UH UH NO WAY HOW!
Though Maddie and I briefly toyed with the idea of going to a movie this afternoon and I instantly thought POPCORN. Oh yummy yummy popcorn! Now, where did THAT craving come from? It came from lunch. Sure, it was gluten free, but it is not pure, clean food. That's the ONLY safe food. And let's face it, if I am in a chinese restaurant I want bad stuff. I want egg rolls and crab rangoon and chicken fingers dipped in sweet and sour sauce! I don't want steamed broccoli and chicken in a ginger sauce. I truly think the problem with those restaurants is the grade of chicken they use. It just seems .... off! No, I don't think it is a cat, but I think it is just not that great. No free range chicken for sure!
I also did a very bad thing. I stopped at the Lindt Chocolate outlet on the way home and bought a ridiculously expensive amount of it. I only ate way more than I should have. But I didn't eat it all! Consider that progress!
But afterward I felt not so great -- not horrible -- but not as good as I normally feel when eating something like a salad or even something left over that I've made. I mean, even though we know in our heart of hearts that eating out isn't good for us -- it's just so hard to give up.
Last night we went to eat at a local restaurant that serves delicious food. I ordered roasted lemon chicken because I had been craving roasted chicken. OHMYGOD it tasted amazing. This is a fancy restaurant so the portions aren't astronomical -- and it came with green beans and some mashed potatoes. Again, I know those aren't good for me, but a few bites is worth it. YUMMY. I felt satisfied and happy after that meal. But I felt full and a bit bloated after the meal this afternoon.
Choices. It's all about choices. And just because it says gluten free doesn't mean that it's good for you. It's just not as bad for you as something with gluten/wheat is. Not really the same thing.
Friday is my weighing day and I lost a pound since the last time I checked (a week ago). That is good. A solid pound a week is supposed to be a healthy weight loss. It seems like an interminable amount of time, at a pound a week, to get where ever you want to go. But common sense prevails ... while it seemed the weight went on overnight, it didn't. It went on a pound at a time, and that is the same way it will come off. I truly believe staying off the scale on a daily basis is going to be much healthier. I would have sworn that I had lost more than a pound, because I FEEL as though I did. But I am sure it went up and down all week, and yet, all week I was just sure it was falling off me! I do try to keep visualizing that as well.
Bye bye fatty poo!
The one question that people ask me, both my family and friends, is when will this be done. How long am I going to "do this." And my answer is forever! Now that I feel that I have identified the culprit -- the big bad meanie Wheatie -- there is no way I am letting him back in! He can huff and he can puff but he's NOT blowing this house down!
When people ask me how long I am going to be doing this, they are referring to the FACT that this is something that I have been doing for years. And years. I have been doing some odd kind of diet plan, and often around Thanksgiving and Christmas, because that is when you tend to realize the weight has gone on. You spend all summer wearing shorts and t-shirts, and then when you go to put on your pants, you realize that they don't have the elastic waists like the shorts. Uh oh. Well, that of course prompts a realization that SOMETHING needs to be done! Ahhh, I am tired of it. Soon it will be a distant memory though. I will eat to fill myself with good food, but I will not eat to throw myself back into that merry go round of addiction and craving. UH UH NO WAY HOW!
Though Maddie and I briefly toyed with the idea of going to a movie this afternoon and I instantly thought POPCORN. Oh yummy yummy popcorn! Now, where did THAT craving come from? It came from lunch. Sure, it was gluten free, but it is not pure, clean food. That's the ONLY safe food. And let's face it, if I am in a chinese restaurant I want bad stuff. I want egg rolls and crab rangoon and chicken fingers dipped in sweet and sour sauce! I don't want steamed broccoli and chicken in a ginger sauce. I truly think the problem with those restaurants is the grade of chicken they use. It just seems .... off! No, I don't think it is a cat, but I think it is just not that great. No free range chicken for sure!
I also did a very bad thing. I stopped at the Lindt Chocolate outlet on the way home and bought a ridiculously expensive amount of it. I only ate way more than I should have. But I didn't eat it all! Consider that progress!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Ahhhh, nothing a hike can't fix
There is something about being in the woods that resonates with my soul. Yeah, I know, it sounds kind of corny, but it is true. I could walk in the woods forever. Getting out there is always the problem -- is it warm enough today, is it going to rain, what will I wear ??? the questions line up, there is always some reason or other that makes a hike not seem palatable. But for me, once I am out there, it's always good. Always.
Take yesterday for example. I had arranged to take a walk with a friend shortly after 1:00 p.m. But then it kept stretching on and on, she couldn't meet yet, would let me know when she could. I sat at my desk and watched the day deteriorate into darkness, and then rain. But I had been thinking for hours about that walk and damn if I wasn't going to take it! I had ample reasons not to -- darkness and rain are biggies -- but I met her shortly after 4:00 and off we went, clad in our rain coats. It rained the entire time, and by the time we turned around and headed back, it was getting dark dark. We have to walk through this tunnel at one point (the path goes underneath the road) and that was just beyond scary. Now we were using a phone as a flashlight! But the entire thing was FABULOUS! Despite the fact I was totally sopping wet, despite the fact it took me a bit for the chill to wear off; it was all worth it. Every second!
Today was not sunny, in fact it is downright gray and icky with a biting wind. Who wants to be out in that? But the thing is, once you actually GET OUT there, it's fine. I started out in a fleece jacket, but by the time I was tromping up the rather steep hill, huffing and puffing, I had taken that off and I was in just a T-shirt. Cold is relative!
After our nice long hike we went out for lunch. Ahhhh, a big heaping plate of salad with grilled chicken, and because we wanted to warm up, we split a crock of beefalo chili. PERFECT! What I love is that I can go out to eat relatively painlessly -- it seems that there is always something on the menu that will work, whereas when I was doing the raw thing, that wasn't the case AT ALL. It's a new world, and I can't imagine trading off feeling so good and dropping weight for a piece of bread. Seems kind of ridiculous, really.
I haven't weighed myself since Monday and tomorrow is the day that I get to step on the scale and see if there was any movement. I would be shocked if there wasn't -- and I would like to stay off it even longer, but I just can't. Not hopping on it daily has been torture for me! But it's a stupid practice, because my weight has always fluctuated a lot. I can go up and down five pounds in a day. Might not seem possible, but believe me. I've seen it. So there is nothing as frustrating as seeing you have lost five pounds, and then three days later seeing you've gained it all back. Even if I FEEL better, that kind of negative showing does me in. I should throw the scale out (again) but the last time I did that I gained a ton of weight. You need something to keep you in check, if not to downright celebrate. For there will be loss!
Oh yes, there will be nothing but loss. Bye bye bye fat cells, see ya later ... no never see ya again!
*Oh, I do have my cheats. I have a little small tiny mint chocolate. Okay, today I had three, but I hiked for a couple of hours. BUT NO BREAD! I haven't touched bread in weeks. Oh yeah, that is because I am never going to again, right?!!!!!
Take yesterday for example. I had arranged to take a walk with a friend shortly after 1:00 p.m. But then it kept stretching on and on, she couldn't meet yet, would let me know when she could. I sat at my desk and watched the day deteriorate into darkness, and then rain. But I had been thinking for hours about that walk and damn if I wasn't going to take it! I had ample reasons not to -- darkness and rain are biggies -- but I met her shortly after 4:00 and off we went, clad in our rain coats. It rained the entire time, and by the time we turned around and headed back, it was getting dark dark. We have to walk through this tunnel at one point (the path goes underneath the road) and that was just beyond scary. Now we were using a phone as a flashlight! But the entire thing was FABULOUS! Despite the fact I was totally sopping wet, despite the fact it took me a bit for the chill to wear off; it was all worth it. Every second!
Today was not sunny, in fact it is downright gray and icky with a biting wind. Who wants to be out in that? But the thing is, once you actually GET OUT there, it's fine. I started out in a fleece jacket, but by the time I was tromping up the rather steep hill, huffing and puffing, I had taken that off and I was in just a T-shirt. Cold is relative!
After our nice long hike we went out for lunch. Ahhhh, a big heaping plate of salad with grilled chicken, and because we wanted to warm up, we split a crock of beefalo chili. PERFECT! What I love is that I can go out to eat relatively painlessly -- it seems that there is always something on the menu that will work, whereas when I was doing the raw thing, that wasn't the case AT ALL. It's a new world, and I can't imagine trading off feeling so good and dropping weight for a piece of bread. Seems kind of ridiculous, really.
I haven't weighed myself since Monday and tomorrow is the day that I get to step on the scale and see if there was any movement. I would be shocked if there wasn't -- and I would like to stay off it even longer, but I just can't. Not hopping on it daily has been torture for me! But it's a stupid practice, because my weight has always fluctuated a lot. I can go up and down five pounds in a day. Might not seem possible, but believe me. I've seen it. So there is nothing as frustrating as seeing you have lost five pounds, and then three days later seeing you've gained it all back. Even if I FEEL better, that kind of negative showing does me in. I should throw the scale out (again) but the last time I did that I gained a ton of weight. You need something to keep you in check, if not to downright celebrate. For there will be loss!
Oh yes, there will be nothing but loss. Bye bye bye fat cells, see ya later ... no never see ya again!
*Oh, I do have my cheats. I have a little small tiny mint chocolate. Okay, today I had three, but I hiked for a couple of hours. BUT NO BREAD! I haven't touched bread in weeks. Oh yeah, that is because I am never going to again, right?!!!!!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
This time I intend to be the size I am meant to be
There really are no quick fixes. Believe me, I would know -- I've read all the books promising such. I have taken supplements that were going to strip me of fat. I've climbed mountains (literally) nearly every day in an attempt to sweat off the accumulated flesh that seemed so fond of me. I've taken exercise classes that nearly put me in traction.
Oh, I did lose weight. There is this little block of 10, 15, 20 even 30 pounds that are reserved specifically for just that purpose. That little groupling of fat comes and goes, but it always comes back. Sometimes it even brings new friends. I guess the phrase would be that it has been a losing battle. But the word battle comes from a negative source and really the only way to get anywhere is to be ... positive.
So this isn't a battle, this just is. It is time. It has always been time, true! But I believe with my heart and soul that this is truly the time. I am at a place of great change -- and that great change should encompass a healthy and freeing body weight. And that is what I want to be -- free.
Free not to have to go into great distress trying to find something to wear. Trying to squish my somehow larger body into a pair of jeans that fit just fine a few weeks earlier. Free not to have to make the decision to go to the store and buy a bigger size of jeans (or just suffer through because dammit, who wants to go into bigger clothes?)
Free to wear the closets full of clothes that used to fit.
Free to never buy another book about weight loss EVER AGAIN.
Free
Free
Free ... to just be. A live.
So, presumably I have all the tools at my fingertips. I've read countless books, I've become a raw food expert and I've taken a course in shaman practices. I can meditate, I can speak to the angels. I love to hike and be active.
When I went on a raw food diet, I felt wonderful. But always at the back of my mind was this niggling thought: I LOVE TO COOK! I couldn't imagine a future without pots and pans and the smell of onion and garlic frying in olive oil. In other words; there was no way I was going to succeed on such a stringent program. I knew this, but on the other hand, filling my body with green juices and smoothies and veggies, fruits and nuts was undeniably successful in terms of how I felt. Which was, as I stated, amazing. I have this diary from when I started it in 2009. Each day I wrote down what I ate, what I weighed and how I felt. As I read through it yesterday, I could see where the failure began, and it was almost painful to read through and feel my frustration.
From my journal:
October, 2009
Day 7
A pound a day!
*Cucumber juice
*Pad Thai (from Alissa Cohens book)
*onion bread (dehydrated) with slice tomato and avocado
*hemp brownie
*carrots
*hemp brownie, handful of pistachios
*pad thai, carrots, onion dip
*chocolate pudding (avocado based)
As you can see, I ate plenty. But you had to -- none of those foods, with the exception of the avocado and nuts actually stay with you. You will feel full for a little while; and when WHAMMO. You are starved. The pad thai is a zucchini noodle based concoction that you could only eat so much of! This is what it said the following morning:
Last night I lay in bed and felt like I could do ANYTHING and felt so open to the power of the universe.
Seriously, I felt it.
There is no denying that having a clean diet makes you vibrate on a different level. When you aren't filled with mind and body numbing substances, you just feel A live.
On Day 9 I had the last experience with wheat grass -- my body rejected it big time. I felt like I was going to die and then I threw up my guts. I haven't touched it since.
On Day 12 I write: Despite the fact that there has been no weight loss in days, I do feel smaller and clothes fit better. I am having a tough time today. I am hungry and nothing raw appeals to me. It's all cold and I want something warm and comforting. I want pizza.
And here is where it all goes awry. On day 12 I felt cheated. I felt hungry. I felt cold. So what did I do? I made a pizza. I write: I made pizza dough, rolled it out, spread a little jar sauce on it, then cooked it! Yes, I cooked it. Then I covered with with the rich cheddar cheese sauce (raw) left over from the fajitas and some chopped up mushrooms and red peppers and little squash slices laid out like pepperoni. IT WAS DELICIOUS. And I think it was a great way to get over the hump. I feel very satisfied and the warm food was just what I needed.
Or was it?
I was doing a 30 day raw challenge. And I couldn't go longer than 13 days. Why is that? If I was truly nourished then such strong cravings would not have been present. Right?
I am so glad that I kept this journal because it gives me a perspective. I have been on my current program for at least two weeks. I would say I feel fabulous. I do not feel cheated, cold, uncomforted or anything like that. This is what I wrote on Day 15:
I ache and I am wondering where all the GOOD and positive things eating raw is supposed to create. My whole body aches. Is this detox stuff going on?
The theory in the raw food world is that when you feel like shit, it is your body detoxing all the crap you have ingested your entire life on SAD (standard american diet.) Do I agree with that now? No, not really. Let me tell you about my new theory. This is going to be my digital diary. Though I have every intention of this working. Because I believe. I really do.
I read how horrible wheat is for you. Wheat Belly by William Davis, M.D. made me understand that the completely genetically modified version of wheat we eat today has nothing to do with its origins. There is a lot of science in the book; lots of explanations on how many chromosomes wheat has today and what they are for in terms of drought resistance, pest resistance, etc. But no one .... NO ONE ... know what all those modifications will do to the human body. But then again, we could all take a pretty good guess.
Obesity anyone?
It all just seemed to make sense. So without attending a class or going shopping for exotic foods, I stopped wheat. Immediately. Day three was a nightmare. I wanted to chew my arm off I was so dying for bread. I wanted bread. I craved bread. I would have possibly murdered for bread. You see, I love and adore bread. Some people love ice cream. I love bread. BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD. OHMYGOD how I love bread. It was brutal. It seemed impossible. And yet, by Day 4 I suddenly lost my appetite altogether. Now the only reason I ate was because I was hungry. I did not crave food. I didn't even particularly feel like dealing with food at all. But hunger pains (remember those?) drove me to eat. What have I been eating? A lot of protein in the form of chicken and fish, veggies, smoothies, the occasional banana or apple slice slathered in almond butter. Raw ice cream. Oh, there is so much to eat and now that I am "off wheat," I feel A live.
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