Recipes are for sissies!

As I search out recipes that are gluten free; I am often struck by the fact that I am changing an entire recipe to accomodate the lack of gluten.  But I am not using common sense when following them.  For some reason,  I was following these recipes like the gospel; and they weren't turning out all that good.  I was not using my own common sense -- or my own natural cooking abilities.  I rarely follow recipes closely -- I consider them merely guidelines.  So it was interesting to me to realize I was following gluten free recipes like the gospel.

For example, I was making this punch.  Now, it was never in danger of having gluten in it, but I had prepared a gluten free red velvet cake beforehand, and this required like 8 different types of flour; and as I stirred it I thought, this is going to be dry.  (And it was.  Dense as all get out, but the flavor was decent.  It was totally edible, but if I ever made it again, I would figure out a way for it to be less dense.  Just more moisture overall.)  So I was making this punch and it asked for agave or honey to be mixed in with the ginger, and I thought, this seems like a lot.  Agave is sweet and I don't really love things to be overly sweet.  But instead of using my common sense, I followed the recipe to the letter.  Of course it was too sweet, so I ended up having to doctor it.  I could have saved myself a lot of trouble had I just followed my gut.

So Maddie asked for chicken pot pie over the holiday, and so I instantly went to the 9.8 million blogs that are devoted to gluten free recipes in search of the perfect chicken pot pie one.  Now, the thing is, I have perfected that recipe.  I have taken several and combined them to make what I think is the most scrumptious one of all.  My family concurs.  So why am I searching for a new one?  Let's apply a little common sense here:  The gluten culprit is in the crust.  So, either make a pie crust that is gluten free, or eliminate it altogether.  But why change the core of the recipe?  It's just weird ... like I've entered some new zone where all my old recipes don't apply.  But that is ridiculous.


We went to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch today and after my salad we decided to order one piece of cheesecake to share.  We decided on the carrot cake cheesecake, and once it arrived, I was like, oh, I can't eat that!  Not sure why it never occurred to me that carrot cake would have flour in it -- I guess I was more caught up in the fact that cheesecake would be safe.  (I know the crust wouldn't be, but that is easy to avoid.)  Oh well.  No cheesecake for me.  Which is fine.  I'd rather have chocolate over cheesecake any day!

So I am going to stop believing that everyone else knows better than I do how to prepare gluten free food.  I just find it so interesting that for a brief stint there, I truly believed I didn't have the power!

Give me the fries!

I really don't want to make a big deal out of it.  I don't want to be "that" person who has to go into intricate detail about her eating "issues."  I just don't.  In my mind, the least amount of attention that can be called to what I have truly realized is just the way I will be eating from now on ... seems ... more than I want to address.

That hasn't always been the case.  I have stumbled upon a certain diet of one extreme or another and expounded upon its wonders.  This is entirely different.  I am excited about it; because I know that it works and I know that ultimately we all need to get that crappy wheat out of our systems.  But then again, I know no one listens to anyone, so ... why bother?

But last night at a restaurant I realized that some are truly trying to address this issue.  The waittress was all over trying to accommodate me; and at first I fought it.  I mean, it's really not that difficult to navigate a menu and find something without wheat in it.  A salad will fit the bill.  But last night I was HUNGRY!  Like, hadn't eaten all day hungry and I wanted FOOD.  I didn't want a salad.  I wanted ... a turkey burger.  So I ordered it without a roll.  And the waitress picked up on that and asked why.  And I said I didn't eat wheat.  And she said oh, we have gluten free options, in fact we have a gluten free menu.

Oh!  Okay, the secret gluten free menu!  I really don't need one -- I can decipher what I can eat from the main menu; but she said that they had gluten free rolls.  Hmmmm.  Now, ultimately I don't want to eat them, because even though they don't hit me like wheat does; they are still bread products (or flour) and they still sort of land in your stomach like a ton of bricks and sit there.  Try and get flour off of your counter with a sponge.  Not a pretty picture.  So I tend to think, hmmm, do I really want that in my system?  But last night, oh yes, I did!  I wanted a turkey burger.  And fries.

Yes, I wanted french fries!  I can't tell you the last time I enjoyed a meal like that.  The turkey burger was heavenly, the roll, while a little dry, was absolutely edible, and those french fries, why mama mia!  I was in heaven.  H E A V E N.

What I find so interesting about this whole new change in my eating habits is that it really doesn't bother me.  I made a gluten free red velvet cake the other night, and I had Charlie make a flour coconut cake (in the event that the other one was too dry and inedible for my gluten eating guests to eat).  I had no desire to try the wheat cake.  None at all.  In fact, I didn't even much care if I ate the red velvet cake.  I just have no cravings for that stuff any more.  At all.  I never crave baked goods, or bread, or anything, really.  I do get hungry, and I do get to the point of wanting something other than a salad.  But that diehard craving for BREAD is over.  O V E R.

And I love it!

Now, I was so full after my turkey burger and french fries ... I thought I was going to explode.  That is a lot to eat for me now, and I truly was shocked that I didn't have to physically stop at half a burger.  But I think if you are enjoying something that much, you have to go with it.  I didn't eat today until close to noon, and then I had a smoothie and then a little later some chicken chow mein.  But once I rode my bike, WHAMMO, I had an appetite I couldn't  seem to curb.  I was RAVENOUS.  It amazes me how that hard, gnawing hunger will creep up on me.  I woke up this morning with no appetite; I went through most of the day with none, then all of a sudden, I could have eaten my desk.    But I do try to wait until I actually have hunger pains.  I think it keeps me honest!

Peter and I went out to eat and I had salmon, squash and a baked potato.  It was all utterly delicious.  The waittress brought the standard popovers to our table, and we told her we were all set.  She later returned and asked if she could bring something else (I forgot what it was, some other bread product) and I told her that I didn't eat wheat.  That seemed to throw her a little ... and was a completely different experience from last night, where the waittress bent over backwards to cater to my non wheat eating needs.  But either way, I don't really care.  I fully understand that once I leave my home, I am introducing my body to less than stellar food and I am just okay with that now.   I used to think it was the "bad" food that caused my stomach issues.  But now I know that isn't true.  There is always bread (wheat) at a restaurant, and I always ate it.  Hence ... I had issues.  But now, no more.

It's all good.  And I have resigned myself to the fact that it is unlikely that I will lose weight through the holidays.  As I ate the red velvet cake (which I would have been fine not eating, in truth) and as I have gone out to dinner two nights in a row, I get that there will be times that other things will get in the way.  And that is fine.  It's not the end of the world; it is just life.  And there is no point in living half assed.  Eat turkey burgers and fries when you want to.  Why the hell not!!!

Rings and jeans

My wedding rings fit!!!!  Last summer my sister asked me if I had trouble getting them off, and so I tried.  I actually thought I was going to have to have them cut off -- it was gnarly -- they would NOT go over my knuckle.  Eventually, after a lot of painful twisting and pulling, I got them off.  I wasn't going to put them back on, that was for sure.  So over the summer I bought a ring to stand in -- a very pretty band.  But lately the band hasn't been fitting very well, kind of slipping around, and because of all the movement, it was chafing and I actually had a little rash underneath.  So I took it off.

This morning as I was feeling naked with no ring on my finger,  (and I had gone down even more poundwise on the scale) I thought to myself ... hmmm....I might have lost weight in my hands!  So I tried on my wedding rings, and sure enough, they slid right on ... and more importantly, off too!

That is kind of funny because I was just saying recently that I missed them -- I have always loved my diamond, and so I said maybe for Christmas I should get my rings re-sized.  But even better, I am re-sizing myself!  Cheaper!

And you know when you put your jeans on fresh from the dryer and they are always tight?

Mine weren't!!!!

Yummy yummy yummy chips!

My greatest downfall?  Potato chips.  I love, love, love them.  Always have.  I can recall when I was a kid, Margaret and I would ride our bikes down to Wilson's Triangle, a little store, and she would always say, let's go get candy.  But I didn't want candy.  In fact, I wouldn't go until she promised that we would get two "bags of something."  I loved chips, and yet, I loved another bag of something else to spice it up.  Like pretzels, or corn curls, or Cheetos.   Then we would ride our bikes back and go into the field or woods, and enjoy our bags of something!  I almost always bought sour cream and onion chips in a green bag.  A big bag.  We'd share and then I'd take the rest home and enjoy them later.   I love chips.

I like candy and chocolate well enough, don't get me wrong.  But potato chips are just a taste sensation I can't live without.

Today I was hungry.  I didn't crave anything, but I have eaten light the past few days and been busy, and I was getting a headache because there was no food in the house.  I needed food, and I knew that I couldn't go shopping until I ate something first, because I felt that tired from it.  I made some scrambled eggs with pepper, onions, spinach and cheese, and it was delicious.  But it didn't hold me long, because while I was at the grocery store, I could hear my stomach rumbling.  Uh oh.  You should never go shopping hungry!

I didn't go down any middle aisles, so I wasn't tempted, but I had to get popcorn to string cranberry and popcorn for the Christmas tree.  And what was right across from the popcorn?  POTATO CHIPS.  So many kinds, so little time.  I was lost.  I was too hungry, too worn down to walk by.  So I decided to turn the tables and say it was a treat.  Instead of sneaking chips out of Peter's cooler, I would own it.  I would buy a bag and I would take it home and open it up and eat from it, out in the open.

So I did.  I also employed another small trick I have been doing:  I cut up a bunch of carrots and give myself a small bowl of those, and a small bowl of chips, and then some dip.  I had a homemade salad dressing for that, which is yummy, and I was in heaven ... sheer and total .... as I dipped a carrot, then a yummy, salty, crunchy chip into the dip.  I actually got full from it.  I didn't go nuts.  I went slowly, made sure I finished all the carrots first.  I can hear my stomach doing a little rumbling, but it has been kind of wonky all day.  Nothing major, just loose stools and I am so unaccustomed to that as of late, I wondered what that was caused by.  I did have a gluten free waffle for breakfast, and that seemed to start things off on a wrong foot.  AND I had coffee.  For some reason, on these bleak, gray mornings, the thought of a cup of coffee (decaf of course) has really helped get me out of bed.  But let's face it, decaf or not, coffee wreaks havoc on my system.

I followed it up with a smoothie, but I should have skipped the coffee and waffles and just had that.  Oh well.  Today was just a hungry day.  I find that you can only go so many days not eating all that much, and then you get slammed with a belly saying HEY you, listen up, either feed me or I'm going to shut down and go into no metabolism mode.  I am well aware of this ... so I try to eat enough to keep this from happening.  But some days I really am just not that hungry.  So I guess on hungry days, I should eat!   And if that means potato chips, then so be it.  Made me quite happy .... and I suspect that from all the sweating I do on the exercise bike, my body craves salt for a reason.

The fridge has a few options now, so the next few days should be easier.  When there is nothing to eat, I always want to eat bread.  Old habit.

Grinning for real!

After I weighed myself this morning (I know, I know, it's impossible not to!) I had lost two more pounds and I was literally GRINNING in the mirror.  Such a good feeling, it really is.  There are of course the demons, flirting about, trying to remind me that I am still the HEAVIEST I have ever been, and that sure, I've lost ten pounds, but it will find me, because it always does.  And I have to say oh no, that isn't the case, this is different.  This is real.  This is IT!

Because it is.  It just is.  I know it in my bones.  My shrinking bones!  Well, bones don't shrink, but everything around them is.  I am actually glad that I bought the bigger pants, because now they are ridiculously loose, but it feels good!  It feels good to wear something that was tight once before and feel it hang.  Well okay, I am not in danger of anything falling off of me -- but it's all perspective!

I was just looking at a picture of when I was about 120 pounds.  I am another person more than that, more or less, and that just seems mind boggling.  I can recall feeling that thin, and what did I do?  I crammed myself into the smallest clothes I possibly could!  I don't see myself ever doing that again.  I want to feel comfortable in my clothes from now on.  I would love to wear skirts and fun shirts again.  Or, I can't wait to wear fun skirts and fun shirts!  Soon!

In the meanwhile I have been so full of energy that is is almost ridiculous.  Yesterday, after a weekend of painting the kitchen, I cleaned out all the drawers and rearranged them and then cleaned, polished and shined all of the stainless steel appliances, including the behemoth stove, and the refrigerator.

Today I tackled the living room, rearranging the furniture so that the ginormous Christmas tree will fit.  But, as I was looking out the windows, I noticed they were dirty.  So I spent the next several hours cleaning the windows, inside and out.  A ladder was required!  I had read online that you should use a solution of water, vinegar and cornstarch and then wipe them down with newspaper.  Wow, pretty darn shiny.

Then I finished the living room and then, because I hadn't eaten much all day (a smoothie for breakfast, and after an hour on the exercise bike I had two Udi's with almond butter for sustenance.)  But it wasn't enough and by mid-afternoon I crashed.  I had some cheese and rice crackers, but that still wasn't enough, but I didn't have the will to deal!  So I took a shower and curled up in bed.

So does this sound like I didn't have energy?  Oh no, I was buzzing around nonstop for HOURS.  I just overdid it, as I am known to do, and the lack of protein was killing me.  I ended up having a salad that they picked up for me when they got pizza -- not full of much of anything nutritious, but it was food!

I have also noticed I have no more cravings for eggs and meat, which I most certainly did at the beginning.  In fact, I am kind of not sure I want meat any more ... it is kind of creeping me out.  I know this has happened to me before ... suddenly it just loses its appeal, but damn, it sure is easy to eat some meat and veggies and call it a meal.  I had a half of a small breast of chicken last night, with half a potato and some veggies.  I sort of just ate the meat, I didn't enjoy it.  That doesn't make much sense!

I am craving fruit right now, but there isn't a stitch of it in the house.  Oh wait, I think I have some tangerines.  I lost my will to live today; therefore rendering it impossible to go out food gathering!

Tomorrow is another day!!

Period or a coma

Yeah, that is what it feels like when you get your period sometimes ... a fricking coma.  You lose all will to live and every cell in your body wants to just rot.  It's awful.

At first I was like where is my euphoria from experiencing such amazing progress?  Then the cramps begin.  The bloating.  And suddenly, no matter what size you are (and I have been pretty small in my life) you feel fat.

Yes, you feel as though your stomach is huge and no matter how much or little you eat, you feel disgusting, as though you have done so much wrong.  What I am trying to say is that a period to someone on a journey of weight loss and transformation is the best way to make you feel like shit.  To give up.  To turn to (gasp) bread.

This morning I made gluten free waffles.  In order to feed the bread demon, I suppose, or more to help the comfort food seeker in me.  They were fine, but they don't help you feel any less ICK.  I should have had a juice or smoothy, not a couple cups of coffee and two small waffles with butter and syrup.  But alas, that is just the way of life and you have to accept that once a month this shitstorm is going to come in and you have to weather it as best as you can.

I have no desire to exercise, I have no desire to do much of anything than complain!  My back hurts, my legs ache, my boobs hurt.

Oh well.  Yesterday I went to a movie and had some popcorn. 

So what.