There really are no quick fixes. Believe me, I would know -- I've read all the books promising such. I have taken supplements that were going to strip me of fat. I've climbed mountains (literally) nearly every day in an attempt to sweat off the accumulated flesh that seemed so fond of me. I've taken exercise classes that nearly put me in traction.
Oh, I did lose weight. There is this little block of 10, 15, 20 even 30 pounds that are reserved specifically for just that purpose. That little groupling of fat comes and goes, but it always comes back. Sometimes it even brings new friends. I guess the phrase would be that it has been a losing battle. But the word battle comes from a negative source and really the only way to get anywhere is to be ... positive.
So this isn't a battle, this just is. It is time. It has always been time, true! But I believe with my heart and soul that this is truly the time. I am at a place of great change -- and that great change should encompass a healthy and freeing body weight. And that is what I want to be -- free.
Free not to have to go into great distress trying to find something to wear. Trying to squish my somehow larger body into a pair of jeans that fit just fine a few weeks earlier. Free not to have to make the decision to go to the store and buy a bigger size of jeans (or just suffer through because dammit, who wants to go into bigger clothes?)
Free to wear the closets full of clothes that used to fit.
Free to never buy another book about weight loss EVER AGAIN.
Free
Free
Free ... to just be. A live.
So, presumably I have all the tools at my fingertips. I've read countless books, I've become a raw food expert and I've taken a course in shaman practices. I can meditate, I can speak to the angels. I love to hike and be active.
When I went on a raw food diet, I felt wonderful. But always at the back of my mind was this niggling thought: I LOVE TO COOK! I couldn't imagine a future without pots and pans and the smell of onion and garlic frying in olive oil. In other words; there was no way I was going to succeed on such a stringent program. I knew this, but on the other hand, filling my body with green juices and smoothies and veggies, fruits and nuts was undeniably successful in terms of how I felt. Which was, as I stated, amazing. I have this diary from when I started it in 2009. Each day I wrote down what I ate, what I weighed and how I felt. As I read through it yesterday, I could see where the failure began, and it was almost painful to read through and feel my frustration.
From my journal:
October, 2009
Day 7
A pound a day!
*Cucumber juice
*Pad Thai (from Alissa Cohens book)
*onion bread (dehydrated) with slice tomato and avocado
*hemp brownie
*carrots
*hemp brownie, handful of pistachios
*pad thai, carrots, onion dip
*chocolate pudding (avocado based)
As you can see, I ate plenty. But you had to -- none of those foods, with the exception of the avocado and nuts actually stay with you. You will feel full for a little while; and when WHAMMO. You are starved. The pad thai is a zucchini noodle based concoction that you could only eat so much of! This is what it said the following morning:
Last night I lay in bed and felt like I could do ANYTHING and felt so open to the power of the universe.
Seriously, I felt it.
There is no denying that having a clean diet makes you vibrate on a different level. When you aren't filled with mind and body numbing substances, you just feel A live.
On Day 9 I had the last experience with wheat grass -- my body rejected it big time. I felt like I was going to die and then I threw up my guts. I haven't touched it since.
On Day 12 I write: Despite the fact that there has been no weight loss in days, I do feel smaller and clothes fit better. I am having a tough time today. I am hungry and nothing raw appeals to me. It's all cold and I want something warm and comforting. I want pizza.
And here is where it all goes awry. On day 12 I felt cheated. I felt hungry. I felt cold. So what did I do? I made a pizza. I write: I made pizza dough, rolled it out, spread a little jar sauce on it, then cooked it! Yes, I cooked it. Then I covered with with the rich cheddar cheese sauce (raw) left over from the fajitas and some chopped up mushrooms and red peppers and little squash slices laid out like pepperoni. IT WAS DELICIOUS. And I think it was a great way to get over the hump. I feel very satisfied and the warm food was just what I needed.
Or was it?
I was doing a 30 day raw challenge. And I couldn't go longer than 13 days. Why is that? If I was truly nourished then such strong cravings would not have been present. Right?
I am so glad that I kept this journal because it gives me a perspective. I have been on my current program for at least two weeks. I would say I feel fabulous. I do not feel cheated, cold, uncomforted or anything like that. This is what I wrote on Day 15:
I ache and I am wondering where all the GOOD and positive things eating raw is supposed to create. My whole body aches. Is this detox stuff going on?
The theory in the raw food world is that when you feel like shit, it is your body detoxing all the crap you have ingested your entire life on SAD (standard american diet.) Do I agree with that now? No, not really. Let me tell you about my new theory. This is going to be my digital diary. Though I have every intention of this working. Because I believe. I really do.
I read how horrible wheat is for you. Wheat Belly by William Davis, M.D. made me understand that the completely genetically modified version of wheat we eat today has nothing to do with its origins. There is a lot of science in the book; lots of explanations on how many chromosomes wheat has today and what they are for in terms of drought resistance, pest resistance, etc. But no one .... NO ONE ... know what all those modifications will do to the human body. But then again, we could all take a pretty good guess.
Obesity anyone?
It all just seemed to make sense. So without attending a class or going shopping for exotic foods, I stopped wheat. Immediately. Day three was a nightmare. I wanted to chew my arm off I was so dying for bread. I wanted bread. I craved bread. I would have possibly murdered for bread. You see, I love and adore bread. Some people love ice cream. I love bread. BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD. OHMYGOD how I love bread. It was brutal. It seemed impossible. And yet, by Day 4 I suddenly lost my appetite altogether. Now the only reason I ate was because I was hungry. I did not crave food. I didn't even particularly feel like dealing with food at all. But hunger pains (remember those?) drove me to eat. What have I been eating? A lot of protein in the form of chicken and fish, veggies, smoothies, the occasional banana or apple slice slathered in almond butter. Raw ice cream. Oh, there is so much to eat and now that I am "off wheat," I feel A live.
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